APRIL FOOLS' DAY: Qumble in 'unbrielievable' industry first with parametric dairy product

Qumble is currently in late-stage talks with a panel of leading (re)insurers to bring its innovative dairy cover to the general public, Post can reveal. The Wensleydale-based insurtech firm, which is backed by M1lky Investments, formulated the cover to address a “gaping hole in the market”, according to its founder Jack Monterey.

“Imagine you have a big piece of Swiss cheese – but it’s really big; like the size of the universe. Now imagine the size of the holes in that piece of cheese. They’re really, really big, right?” Monterey asked Post.

“That is the size of the gap in this market right now,” he explains.

Customers who purchase Qumble’s parametric cover – described by Monterey as being “unbrielievable” – will be provided with a professionally fitted smell detector for their fridge. In the event that the detector picks up a stomach-curdling odour emanating from their cheese they will get an instant payout, and the firm will then send an artificial intelligence-powered fridge cleaner to their house within two days.

Customers who purchase Qumble’s parametric cover will be provided with a professionally fitted smell detector for their fridge. In the event that the detector picks up a stomach-curdling odour emanating from their cheese they will get an instant payout.”

“We’ll install that [fridge cleaner] device on the payment of the first premium,” Monterey confirmed.

“We’ve found that people from all walks of life can be susceptible to smelly fridge syndrome,” he added.

However, Monterey also highlighted that as Lloyd’s market workers are no longer permitted to drink alcohol during the day, they may be particularly at risk of returning home to “a smorgasbord of Goudas, Camemberts and Dairylea products to go with their evening tipple”.

If the launch is successful, the insurtech has bold plans to roll out a product which will protect against cheese-induced nightmares.

“We’re still fine-tuning that one,” Monterey admitted. “But, at the moment, we’re planning to give policyholders a breathalyser test that monitors how many cheese particles are in their system, so we can confirm that any nightmares are indeed cheese-related.”

Further innovations, including an expansion into other dairy products and vegan substitutes, are on the horizon for Qumble.

“We plan to churn through them,” Monterey enthused.

The insurtech firm has pledged to donate half of all its profits to charity, with the funds being returned to cheese miners on the moon.

“We really wanted to give something back, and those folks are amazing; toiling day and night so that we can stuff our faces with space cheddar,” Monterey detailed.

Qumble co-founder and chief operating officer Daisy added: “Moo.”

This article was published by Post as an April Fool on 1 April 2022 and a vast majority if not all of the content is false.